Receiving and Giving

Being with myself and connecting to my creator is slowly filling me with new joy. Keeping that joy inside.. which leads to contentment no matter what is going on outside... I was thinking on the lines of giving and receiving.

I have been always struggling to find a balance within giving and receiving..
I know that if I love to give I should love to receive as well..

I have been thinking from childhood that giving is the way to be... do not think about receiving..
Even parents, always very miserly about praise they would always find means of improvements so that I would be driven to achieve higher and higher... I did that... but they never realised that they were chipping off my self worth when they were criticizing or even being very reluctant in appreciation..

I do not know if its the Indian culture but praise from loved ones is very rare.. I would bask in the love and praise of my aunt who is very close to me, who would quietly keep encouraging me... say that I did great and I could do more... even at my lowest moments, she would deflect my attention to something good in me and make me move forward... I would be very guilty about accepting praise but I would still feel guiltily happy..

Anyway, so as I grew up, I felt that I should always give, and that has been going on... for a while... I gave my time, my money, my friendship and if someone tried to give something back to me, I gave some more as if to show I could be more giving...

If any one complimented me, I would balk at it...
If any one gifted me, I would be very uncomfortable..
and so on..

I also thought that it was a sin to receive...  and well, everything would get twisted, I would attract the wrong kind of friends who would just take advantage of me... because they did not have to give anything...

Till I met one of very good friends, she taught me, she is younger than me by a couple of years and she would scold me into taking her  love and her gifts... she and me are spiritual soul mates and the love we feel for each other transcends any human form, its linked to god and very holy and pure...

I have seen her through her bacherlorhood, now a mother of 2 kids and she is the same inside..
She never tires of giving me her share  of love and just love....
Its very nice when I think I taught her concepts and got her into the spiritual path and she has been my teacher in receiving...

So I slowly have changed... she insists that if I do that, I can attract more and more abundance from the universe...

And yes internally also I have changed.. I now accept compliments... I treasure gifts... and I love to receive love... :)

And the CRUX of it is that I have been able to make better choices in life..
I have been able to see the frou frou souls who just hang out with you to seep the energy off
I have been able to see the genuine souls who mean well for you
and well I have been able to make peace with my beautiful self in that process..
I have more and more confidence in my inner beauty and find everyone else beautiful
it also has enabled me to see the good in a very muddied soul as well...
I think there are many more side benefits..
and it has helped me guide the young ones who hunger for a good word... and I see how many miles they go when you do the appreciation genuinely... it makes me happy..

So I think its a beautiful thought..

and what sprouted this post in my mind...

While entering the lift, today a stranger, a girl, who does not know me, suddenly stopped her conversation on the phone, and genuinely gave me a compliment... I was surprised and very gladly said thank you... with a smile... ( my inner self was actually watching on high alert for me to spoil it... buhahaha but I did not)

I received without guilt and pride... and that made me pause...

So my friends, if you have children, siblings, do not miss out on encouraging them even when they accomplish tiny things.. its the tiny things that build the foundation... you are actually building the blocks of self confidence and the self belief of doing something successful... inspite of many failures...

So sometimes you will not get from who you expect to receive but there will be someone else waiting to give you shower you with their love...be it a friend, a sister, a brother or anyone... :) you just have to look and be aware and open to receiving without conditioning the fact that only this person or that person has to give back... that will mess you up... :)

Silence

My guides and angels tell me that being in silence is the only way to be...to just let the chaos outside zoom by and well, its working..

I have written about living without expectations, now I think the next step is silence which leads to being in the moment and magically all judgements go away... you see yourself as a part of the whole and your faith in yourself is back on...

I think if I can maintain this, I will not divert from my goals to be what I came here in this earth to be...

I have seen this before as well..
when there is abject adversity I go internal and focus on total silence and bask in the light that shines on from the supreme consciousness and my angels and my guides and reinstates that my existence has a far more powerful purpose than all the mundane drama that is going on around me.

Here I fall back into the science of Buddhism and many similar techniques that say be in the moment, watch your thoughts and the drama pass by, and learn what you need to learn. And even the worst possible energies that are actually meant to teach you some well earned lessons, can actually help you... without drawing you into the vortex of emotional whirlpool...

I have been practicing this for some days, thinking how do I react to some silly ego hassle that is endangering my peace of mind...
I look to the things and people that I have and I feel immensely blessed...

And I find that the things that I can be grateful for far overpowers the things that actually bother me..

And yes I have been reading some awesome content which also has reopened my mind to known concepts which I had forgotten being involved in the work drama... :)

So yes silence... gives me peace and also lets be ground myself...

When you are going through something really miserable, become still inside you, do not think why and how... just be still and the magic will unfold..... :)

Right... so am feeling better...

Still have to revisit my issues of rejection, but maybe with another perspective... 

Living without expectations

is a tough feat to follow... no matter how many times I tell myself... that mine is to do and move on, the ego automatically expects me to expect... :) until I dont expect anymore.. 

I remember, I was maybe 5 or 6 years old and my Daddy promised that I would be taken out with him in the evening to shop or something. In those days, going out for walks in the evening strolling through the bazaars were a common thing to do for the public and my father and mother also liked to do that when they had time after work.

I would cherish the moments strolling with Dad. So i would dress in my best frock and wait for Dad to come home. Dad being close to a workaholic, blissfully used to forget his promise... and me the eternally hopeful could and daddy's little girl would wait hoping that he would turn up.. 

Inspite of him continuing to do this, I kept dressing up and hoping... and well till one day, I was a teenager and there was an important exam I had to go to.. and wanted my Dad to take me... because I was calm in his presence and always felt very positive if he dropped me.. at the exam hall. 

And Lo and Behold... he forgot again..  and in those days, there was no phone to inform as well. 

I think after that, I stopped expecting anything from Dad.. :)  it hurt at first but then, it made be free.. 

When I expected him to support me the most, he let me down, 

when I expected him to stand up for me, his girl child, he let me down... 

( yeah it looks like I have daddy issues.... hahaha ) 

But I have long since stopped wanting to get anything from dad and if he made a gesture, I was happy.. 

Dad from his side also did some compromise I think. 

He would be more careful at keeping up to his promises the ones he could keep.. 

I would wait till I saw him coming home and then ask him if he would take me out and only then would dress up.. 

And I learnt to go to exam halls without anyone... mom would be always inside my mind... she was a stronger influence... Dad used to me more of a physical support system... 

So college came up and I learnt to do everything myself... and felt good though a bit lonely but heck it was ok.... 

Sometimes we do the best we can... 

Stepping out into the world alone at an early age I think, ... it did not take me long to see that I was my own best friend and my own worst enemy... :) 

And that was the most valuable lesson, I think I keep learning even today.. 

Today, its a conscious effort to let go... if its not meant to be... 

Today I got a neat note from my niece... who had come home for holidays from her study abroad. She said that its been a long while since we chatted and next time she was in town she would visit me... 

She has been coming and going for a long while... now... but never once has she visited me... 

I think... its ok... let it be... why should she feel that it was necessary... 

I smiled... and thought back... 

This is the same niece who I babysat when she was 3 years old.. a tiny little thing... spent my whole moments with her... 

I would teach her to play with dolls, as she was the only kid and did not know much about playing house. 

I would teach her to make imaginary tea and have her invite her imaginary friends. 

I would rock her to sleep when she would cry.. 

I would jerk from my sleep and pick her up without letting her get hurt if she fell from her bed.. 

When she would not like to eat, I would make up stories and see her eat faster, i would create mountains out of the rice in her plate and then pour dal telling her its the river and vegetables are boats... 

I would go to her PTA meetings..  get her from school and sit with her when she would do her homework.. 

I remember when my bro and sis-in-law would be abroad, I would take care of her bath time, her loo time, wash her little butt, feed her, take her to school and back.. and play with her... 

In the evening when she missed her folks, I would take her outside and count the stars with her so that she fell asleep..  hahahah :) 

All the memories, make me smile with warmth... 

Then there was a time, when she had chicken pox and well she was to be isolated... 

her granny was there and refused to touch her... and I took her to my chest and coaxed her to sleep relieving her of her itches with the neem leaves... 

Me having to tell stories to her every night before she fell asleep..

So many memories... 

So well I realise that with children an unconditional form of love forms, be it your own child or someone else's. 

And as the child grows up it gets molded to how the parents think..  :) 

And thats how the adult butterfly lives... 

And well, today and every other day when i see her as an adult, an unconditional love again flows through my heart, wishing only the best for her.. 

And yes, sometimes, when they do write such superficial notes... trying to be what they are not... then it hurts... just for a millisecond... being here more than a month and not even trying to call or visit me.. a call would have been fine... or even a FB message.,.. (why do I think like that ? its stupid)  its not important for her... so thats that... let go... :) 

And I breathe focussing on the love... and my memories of her as an innocent child hanging on to my neck and playing with me with uninhibited laughter... and I sigh... letting all the stupid expectations go... I am grateful I could experience that feeling through her.. :) and I should end it at that... 

Its alright..  all relations, have a start and an end... you are the only continuous thread to yourself linking to the supreme conscious. :)  rest is all Maya... 

HAKUNA MATATA... :) 

Humiliation

This is something that I hear from many co-workers... that I interact with.. humiliation from that one soul who thirsts for power.. in one's own ignorance..

people who have been working have given up their self respect and any option for any speaking up for justice.. and all for what the money and the perks,, the fear that they will not get work anywhere..

I observe to see how long the elastic limit will endure for people..
I am glad to say many have gone after seeing that the limit was broken.

The soul that inflicts this has issues of his own, i am so sure.. and I think he is not aware that he does it or maybe he does it knowingly..

I for one have been having a really tough time handling this nonsense...
and I was thinking that its time to get out..
Why was I hanging on for such a long time..

Well because the answer is not to run away everytime you face something difficult..
I have tried to endure with bad managers, standing up to them, fighting for justice and truth and assumptions for my people.. and the team...

This time round, I am tired and I dont have the will to fight anymore..
I need to get out of this space.. talking will not solve anything.
I am not responsible for this soul's illogical behaivor and I think I do respect myself a lot to NOT endure insults and humiliation in front of a team and when its obvious he does not know what he is talking about..

The organization is great but its the people... some people who leave a really bad aftertaste...

And the lesson maybe this time is to not judge... to not be in a space where my very existence is enslaved to some wrongful assumptions..

The very fact that I will NOT run has made me endure for sometime... and I believe that I know when things will not change and only worsen for me... if I stay in this space..

worsen my health, my positivity, my hope, my life...

Is it worth it to stay in such a space...
I so know its not...

I think I have done my duty to my people here, professional as well as spiritual..
I need to be out...  ASAP...

Guides, are you listening... ? I am practicing detachment, non judgemental attitude but I need OUT...
I am not angry just frustrated that I have to BE in this situation... and I am STUCK with no options.. and endure moment after moment of humiliation... I WILL NOT...

Angels, guides, do give me a sign that I have a better option than this..

If its still my karma to suffer, I will in silence..... I will go totally passive.  Yeah, i think thats a good strategy... 

The root of it all

I think I have them..
I mean dont get me wrong... I love my Dad and have always been the apple of his eye but today when I am faced with questioning a lesson in dominance... how to counteract dominance of a male, it takes me back to my childhood and my family.. and I had to put this down.. It actually was an epiphany for me.
 We lived in a town but our ancestral home is in the village.. and well it housed a joint family with uncles and aunts and many cousins.

 The women in the house were busy with the kitchen and the males in the household were busy outside the house managing the farms and the land and the blah workings.. .
 Come winter... my Dad always had this ritual of taking me to the villages and have me familiarize with the workings of our society.. I was a single child and was being brought up in the town.. with so called modern facilities of the eighties and well, my dad always thought maybe that I might stray from my roots and always made sure I knew how to grind rice the natural way using Dekhi, how to puff smoke and make sure the embers were always burning to help my granny cook her food.

I had to know the ways of the our lives...
how the women lived, served, and managed the household...
I have to tell you I was the only girl child among many cousins who were only boys..  So all the more reason that I was brought up with the right set of values..

Yours truly was a very inquisitive and naughty kid who loved experiencing new things be in natural, be it in the kitchen, observing the fish in our own pond.. and yes running off now and then to play on her own... and a child with a mind of her own... a very big NO NO...

I remember I had a yellow helicopter which would fly and just because my cousin liked it in one of his visits, my father just gave it to him... without even considering my feelings..

So while I watched, I remember women being totally made to do what they had to, inside the household.. Women were not be seen outside the house, unless it was for a social occasion like visiting neighbors in groups of cousins and relatives... the ways of the village had its reasons I guess.

So when I broke through puberty in one of my vacations, the whole scenario changed, I was looked at with new eyes and there were new rules...

I was given a whole list of dos and donts... and the whole society had to know that I was a woman..
It shamed me and embarrassed me to no limits, I tried hiding behind the beetlenut trees to avoid being called at but the family was not having it. I had to face everyone, and the men said so.. it had to be formalized.

My inner rebellion started from then I think... I wanted my space my privacy and the men who comprised of the family wanted it otherwise.. it had to be an occasion.. And the women just had to follow that rule... my inner self totally abhorred that practice... why ?? I asked everyone...  no one cared to answer... Granny had a private moment with me and with her womanly wisdom explained whys and the hows of the society and I was calm...

All I needed was a logical answer and the task no matter how hard it is, was easy to accomplish.. but I was always rapped very sternly for even asking... by Dad... as he believed in the rules... he still does... he is great upholder of the rules... :) and that beats me.. :)

When there was an event corresponding to my ambitions for going out of Shillong and studying, I was stopped by the men in the family saying its not good for girls. One esteemed elderly lady relative also suggested I should be done with my 10th and given in marriage to a village boy.. and my dad could help others in the family...

I was shocked to hear that... and Boom Yet another nail for rebellion !!!!  Mostly because at one point my dad was actually considering this...
My mom stood up and said nothing doing... I am going to go for my studies and building a career and thats that...

So I struggle to convince my Dad to let me go to Delhi and study architecture... and BANG, it was a direct refusal... he wanted what his brothers thought was best.. I should become a doctor... and off came a group of male relatives to convince me and at the same time pressure me to get into the medical world..
BOOM, another nail....  Nope I wouldn't have that... and I was amazed how the male members would just flock together to shape my future.. what they thought was best.. and a win win.. for all..
Living in the hostel, I had to be kept under surveillance, I could not talk to guys, The fact that I was in a co-ed college was immaterial, I was also labelled a loose woman because one of the male relative saw me talking to my college classmate.. on the road...

I could not take swimming classed because my uncle thought that my father would have a heart attack.. if  i did... ( go figure)
I actually did many things successfully without the male population knowing and all encouraged by my women relatives.. my mom specially to fly as high as I could..

Marriage and Kanyadaan. I cannot get over the fact that my father giving up this significant responsibility to his brother.. showing him respect... and not thinking how it would impact me... it still gets to me... but I overlook it.. does not matter... the men have spoken

My father trusts his brothers implicitly which is good but at the risk of alienating his daughter totally, like treating me as an outsider... he does not know that I am his greatest supporter, I am part of him and I am his person.. his brothers are ok but they have a different life and priority... he does not realise that he is my first priority and always will be... and I have given up... on having him understand that...

At very important milestones of my life, things could not materialize because Dad was advised not to let me go ahead with it...
So the nails have been adding to my coffin of rebellion and I have been fighting it all the way, to such an extent that I have removed myself from that society totally and though I wish them well, I cannot exist in that social framework with prejudice and bias against women.. who work, who achieve, who struggle, who want to make a difference in life...

Today, I am faced with an individual which embodies the very structure of thought and lifestyle that I have rejected and discarded... from my life... and I am forced to interact with this soul whether I want it or not... and that my dear blog is what I need to face and make peace with...

The fact that I have to accept this line of thinking and living and be okay with it... observe and let go without judgements... seeing the Buddha in that soul as well...
Inversely seeing the Buddha in all the male population of my Family tree and realizing that its ok... they have a way, you can still live with your way...

AND THAT is letting me break out of my coffin.... break all the nails... that enclosed my belief of being stuck... I am not stuck... I am always free to choose my way.... the right way for me... to live and to percolate it down to whoever it matters...

Porcupine Woman...

sometimes, when someone is set on taking one on you right from the beginning, it is confirmed that slowly but surely, there builds a negative or not so helpful perception in one's mind that is pretty much damaging to the inter personal dynamics..

now be that in family life where a girl gets married and there is some personality in the new family who constantly digs for ways to show her down... or expose her weakness

or be it a peer who just cannot stand that a woman is at a certain position and makes derogatory remarks whenever possible or find a means to make things really difficult for her.. .. I for one am experiencing that and well I was blissful in the fact that this personality was my peer and I could ignore... but karma rewarded me with gold points of pain and trauma when this personality had to become by boss due to some unforeseen events..

And the adage every dog has its day... became my dark reality...
now everywhere i turn, I am pinched in all ways possible to make my life as uncomfortable as possible..
so well...

Many a  times, its pushing me to the brink of quitting but I know its just a challenge I have to face.. or something i have to overcome...

The question is how...
imagine this soul in diapers... running around the unit.....hahahahah... a good one..
imagine his voice is like mickey mouse... that works...
but the 1:1 definitely puts all my bristles up... and if I were to describe myself with a super power, porcupine woman would be one... hahahaha :) with all the spines up...

Anyways, so I have to find my way out..
I am asking myself... what is the lesson i have to learn here.. ? Tolerance, see the kindness inside that soul, see the goodness... dear lord, I am praying everyday... to have myself detach myself and just move on as I do like what I am doing... despite everything...

Last time I had to stand up to a very pathetic person, the lesson was to stand up for the truth and what I believed in... for justice...

So I am thinking :

First rule, diminish the so called power over me...
if things are difficult, accept it and move on
Accept the fact that this soul's way of looking at things will always be different based on the different backgrounds we come from.
there are always souls like this who will get antagonised by the very reason that there is woman who is speaking up to him.
this soul will misuse his powers every now and then to get an edge... deal with it...
and lastly look for a new job.... sad as it sounds... but yes thats the final step... if nothing else works...

can work with many difficult souls but if your biggest stakeholder your manager does not trust you, or believe in you... then my very existence has no significance and without that, the role that I play at work becomes useless...

Trapped

in the middle of nonsensical junk
in the discussion of what could be and what should be and what must be... from souls who do not know what they are talking about
in accepting nonsense
in agreeing to nonsense....

I have a choice... to move out...
why am i not able to take it...

I pray, give me the strength to block this out, detach myself from the sense of feeling trapped and just getting out...

I need to get out ... are you listening dear universe...   ???  I cannot function like this.. with the sense of binding onself and being forced to listen to things which do not make sense... in the long run.. 

Rains

remind me

• of fresh smell of the earth
• playfulness
• soaking in the warm rain drops on my face...
• rushing from school and on the way jumping in the puddles.. 
• my umbrella being torn in the rain and me just giving up and walking enjoying getting drenched
• riding in the rain through the forests...and ghats
• shivering in the cold with a wet blanket and warming up with shots of vodka
• trekking down to a beautiful waterfall with the drizzle of rain and mist around me
• of small hot tea cups... by the highway... while it pitter patters 
• of being enclosed in a tent with the wild nature around us and just hearing the rain beat down on the tent ceiling.... just next to my ear.. 
• of monsoon rides and getting lost... inside the forest and then finally coming to a path where huts had meat and puttu balls waiting for us... 
• of surrounded by comfort food and looking out through the wooden framed windows to far away mountains.. 
• a bus leaking while journeying a long distance... 
• my basement flooded... with really dirty water
• bikes clogged... 
• really bad.. drainage management...hahaha :) 

Its hard

To be open and have a certain sense of freedom to express...
To be just me and not be judged...
To write what I want
To rant when I want
To generally be...
To be light and serious when required...
To just share... and leave it at that..
no bias, no meetings, no calling...

So here I am from an open blogger to start writing from the space of anonymity
its easy to just be when I am no one... :)

Tomalini the name of my grandma... I never met her... but I know her through the stories that she still lives on.. so I keep her alive... through this space... and also bring forth a branch that is me from her roots of existence...

Feeling At Peace...

এই শুরু করলাম একটা নতুন যাত্রা তোমার নাম নিয়ে দিদা