Living without expectations

is a tough feat to follow... no matter how many times I tell myself... that mine is to do and move on, the ego automatically expects me to expect... :) until I dont expect anymore.. 

I remember, I was maybe 5 or 6 years old and my Daddy promised that I would be taken out with him in the evening to shop or something. In those days, going out for walks in the evening strolling through the bazaars were a common thing to do for the public and my father and mother also liked to do that when they had time after work.

I would cherish the moments strolling with Dad. So i would dress in my best frock and wait for Dad to come home. Dad being close to a workaholic, blissfully used to forget his promise... and me the eternally hopeful could and daddy's little girl would wait hoping that he would turn up.. 

Inspite of him continuing to do this, I kept dressing up and hoping... and well till one day, I was a teenager and there was an important exam I had to go to.. and wanted my Dad to take me... because I was calm in his presence and always felt very positive if he dropped me.. at the exam hall. 

And Lo and Behold... he forgot again..  and in those days, there was no phone to inform as well. 

I think after that, I stopped expecting anything from Dad.. :)  it hurt at first but then, it made be free.. 

When I expected him to support me the most, he let me down, 

when I expected him to stand up for me, his girl child, he let me down... 

( yeah it looks like I have daddy issues.... hahaha ) 

But I have long since stopped wanting to get anything from dad and if he made a gesture, I was happy.. 

Dad from his side also did some compromise I think. 

He would be more careful at keeping up to his promises the ones he could keep.. 

I would wait till I saw him coming home and then ask him if he would take me out and only then would dress up.. 

And I learnt to go to exam halls without anyone... mom would be always inside my mind... she was a stronger influence... Dad used to me more of a physical support system... 

So college came up and I learnt to do everything myself... and felt good though a bit lonely but heck it was ok.... 

Sometimes we do the best we can... 

Stepping out into the world alone at an early age I think, ... it did not take me long to see that I was my own best friend and my own worst enemy... :) 

And that was the most valuable lesson, I think I keep learning even today.. 

Today, its a conscious effort to let go... if its not meant to be... 

Today I got a neat note from my niece... who had come home for holidays from her study abroad. She said that its been a long while since we chatted and next time she was in town she would visit me... 

She has been coming and going for a long while... now... but never once has she visited me... 

I think... its ok... let it be... why should she feel that it was necessary... 

I smiled... and thought back... 

This is the same niece who I babysat when she was 3 years old.. a tiny little thing... spent my whole moments with her... 

I would teach her to play with dolls, as she was the only kid and did not know much about playing house. 

I would teach her to make imaginary tea and have her invite her imaginary friends. 

I would rock her to sleep when she would cry.. 

I would jerk from my sleep and pick her up without letting her get hurt if she fell from her bed.. 

When she would not like to eat, I would make up stories and see her eat faster, i would create mountains out of the rice in her plate and then pour dal telling her its the river and vegetables are boats... 

I would go to her PTA meetings..  get her from school and sit with her when she would do her homework.. 

I remember when my bro and sis-in-law would be abroad, I would take care of her bath time, her loo time, wash her little butt, feed her, take her to school and back.. and play with her... 

In the evening when she missed her folks, I would take her outside and count the stars with her so that she fell asleep..  hahahah :) 

All the memories, make me smile with warmth... 

Then there was a time, when she had chicken pox and well she was to be isolated... 

her granny was there and refused to touch her... and I took her to my chest and coaxed her to sleep relieving her of her itches with the neem leaves... 

Me having to tell stories to her every night before she fell asleep..

So many memories... 

So well I realise that with children an unconditional form of love forms, be it your own child or someone else's. 

And as the child grows up it gets molded to how the parents think..  :) 

And thats how the adult butterfly lives... 

And well, today and every other day when i see her as an adult, an unconditional love again flows through my heart, wishing only the best for her.. 

And yes, sometimes, when they do write such superficial notes... trying to be what they are not... then it hurts... just for a millisecond... being here more than a month and not even trying to call or visit me.. a call would have been fine... or even a FB message.,.. (why do I think like that ? its stupid)  its not important for her... so thats that... let go... :) 

And I breathe focussing on the love... and my memories of her as an innocent child hanging on to my neck and playing with me with uninhibited laughter... and I sigh... letting all the stupid expectations go... I am grateful I could experience that feeling through her.. :) and I should end it at that... 

Its alright..  all relations, have a start and an end... you are the only continuous thread to yourself linking to the supreme conscious. :)  rest is all Maya... 

HAKUNA MATATA... :)