Receiving and Giving

Being with myself and connecting to my creator is slowly filling me with new joy. Keeping that joy inside.. which leads to contentment no matter what is going on outside... I was thinking on the lines of giving and receiving.

I have been always struggling to find a balance within giving and receiving..
I know that if I love to give I should love to receive as well..

I have been thinking from childhood that giving is the way to be... do not think about receiving..
Even parents, always very miserly about praise they would always find means of improvements so that I would be driven to achieve higher and higher... I did that... but they never realised that they were chipping off my self worth when they were criticizing or even being very reluctant in appreciation..

I do not know if its the Indian culture but praise from loved ones is very rare.. I would bask in the love and praise of my aunt who is very close to me, who would quietly keep encouraging me... say that I did great and I could do more... even at my lowest moments, she would deflect my attention to something good in me and make me move forward... I would be very guilty about accepting praise but I would still feel guiltily happy..

Anyway, so as I grew up, I felt that I should always give, and that has been going on... for a while... I gave my time, my money, my friendship and if someone tried to give something back to me, I gave some more as if to show I could be more giving...

If any one complimented me, I would balk at it...
If any one gifted me, I would be very uncomfortable..
and so on..

I also thought that it was a sin to receive...  and well, everything would get twisted, I would attract the wrong kind of friends who would just take advantage of me... because they did not have to give anything...

Till I met one of very good friends, she taught me, she is younger than me by a couple of years and she would scold me into taking her  love and her gifts... she and me are spiritual soul mates and the love we feel for each other transcends any human form, its linked to god and very holy and pure...

I have seen her through her bacherlorhood, now a mother of 2 kids and she is the same inside..
She never tires of giving me her share  of love and just love....
Its very nice when I think I taught her concepts and got her into the spiritual path and she has been my teacher in receiving...

So I slowly have changed... she insists that if I do that, I can attract more and more abundance from the universe...

And yes internally also I have changed.. I now accept compliments... I treasure gifts... and I love to receive love... :)

And the CRUX of it is that I have been able to make better choices in life..
I have been able to see the frou frou souls who just hang out with you to seep the energy off
I have been able to see the genuine souls who mean well for you
and well I have been able to make peace with my beautiful self in that process..
I have more and more confidence in my inner beauty and find everyone else beautiful
it also has enabled me to see the good in a very muddied soul as well...
I think there are many more side benefits..
and it has helped me guide the young ones who hunger for a good word... and I see how many miles they go when you do the appreciation genuinely... it makes me happy..

So I think its a beautiful thought..

and what sprouted this post in my mind...

While entering the lift, today a stranger, a girl, who does not know me, suddenly stopped her conversation on the phone, and genuinely gave me a compliment... I was surprised and very gladly said thank you... with a smile... ( my inner self was actually watching on high alert for me to spoil it... buhahaha but I did not)

I received without guilt and pride... and that made me pause...

So my friends, if you have children, siblings, do not miss out on encouraging them even when they accomplish tiny things.. its the tiny things that build the foundation... you are actually building the blocks of self confidence and the self belief of doing something successful... inspite of many failures...

So sometimes you will not get from who you expect to receive but there will be someone else waiting to give you shower you with their love...be it a friend, a sister, a brother or anyone... :) you just have to look and be aware and open to receiving without conditioning the fact that only this person or that person has to give back... that will mess you up... :)

Silence

My guides and angels tell me that being in silence is the only way to be...to just let the chaos outside zoom by and well, its working..

I have written about living without expectations, now I think the next step is silence which leads to being in the moment and magically all judgements go away... you see yourself as a part of the whole and your faith in yourself is back on...

I think if I can maintain this, I will not divert from my goals to be what I came here in this earth to be...

I have seen this before as well..
when there is abject adversity I go internal and focus on total silence and bask in the light that shines on from the supreme consciousness and my angels and my guides and reinstates that my existence has a far more powerful purpose than all the mundane drama that is going on around me.

Here I fall back into the science of Buddhism and many similar techniques that say be in the moment, watch your thoughts and the drama pass by, and learn what you need to learn. And even the worst possible energies that are actually meant to teach you some well earned lessons, can actually help you... without drawing you into the vortex of emotional whirlpool...

I have been practicing this for some days, thinking how do I react to some silly ego hassle that is endangering my peace of mind...
I look to the things and people that I have and I feel immensely blessed...

And I find that the things that I can be grateful for far overpowers the things that actually bother me..

And yes I have been reading some awesome content which also has reopened my mind to known concepts which I had forgotten being involved in the work drama... :)

So yes silence... gives me peace and also lets be ground myself...

When you are going through something really miserable, become still inside you, do not think why and how... just be still and the magic will unfold..... :)

Right... so am feeling better...

Still have to revisit my issues of rejection, but maybe with another perspective... 

Living without expectations

is a tough feat to follow... no matter how many times I tell myself... that mine is to do and move on, the ego automatically expects me to expect... :) until I dont expect anymore.. 

I remember, I was maybe 5 or 6 years old and my Daddy promised that I would be taken out with him in the evening to shop or something. In those days, going out for walks in the evening strolling through the bazaars were a common thing to do for the public and my father and mother also liked to do that when they had time after work.

I would cherish the moments strolling with Dad. So i would dress in my best frock and wait for Dad to come home. Dad being close to a workaholic, blissfully used to forget his promise... and me the eternally hopeful could and daddy's little girl would wait hoping that he would turn up.. 

Inspite of him continuing to do this, I kept dressing up and hoping... and well till one day, I was a teenager and there was an important exam I had to go to.. and wanted my Dad to take me... because I was calm in his presence and always felt very positive if he dropped me.. at the exam hall. 

And Lo and Behold... he forgot again..  and in those days, there was no phone to inform as well. 

I think after that, I stopped expecting anything from Dad.. :)  it hurt at first but then, it made be free.. 

When I expected him to support me the most, he let me down, 

when I expected him to stand up for me, his girl child, he let me down... 

( yeah it looks like I have daddy issues.... hahaha ) 

But I have long since stopped wanting to get anything from dad and if he made a gesture, I was happy.. 

Dad from his side also did some compromise I think. 

He would be more careful at keeping up to his promises the ones he could keep.. 

I would wait till I saw him coming home and then ask him if he would take me out and only then would dress up.. 

And I learnt to go to exam halls without anyone... mom would be always inside my mind... she was a stronger influence... Dad used to me more of a physical support system... 

So college came up and I learnt to do everything myself... and felt good though a bit lonely but heck it was ok.... 

Sometimes we do the best we can... 

Stepping out into the world alone at an early age I think, ... it did not take me long to see that I was my own best friend and my own worst enemy... :) 

And that was the most valuable lesson, I think I keep learning even today.. 

Today, its a conscious effort to let go... if its not meant to be... 

Today I got a neat note from my niece... who had come home for holidays from her study abroad. She said that its been a long while since we chatted and next time she was in town she would visit me... 

She has been coming and going for a long while... now... but never once has she visited me... 

I think... its ok... let it be... why should she feel that it was necessary... 

I smiled... and thought back... 

This is the same niece who I babysat when she was 3 years old.. a tiny little thing... spent my whole moments with her... 

I would teach her to play with dolls, as she was the only kid and did not know much about playing house. 

I would teach her to make imaginary tea and have her invite her imaginary friends. 

I would rock her to sleep when she would cry.. 

I would jerk from my sleep and pick her up without letting her get hurt if she fell from her bed.. 

When she would not like to eat, I would make up stories and see her eat faster, i would create mountains out of the rice in her plate and then pour dal telling her its the river and vegetables are boats... 

I would go to her PTA meetings..  get her from school and sit with her when she would do her homework.. 

I remember when my bro and sis-in-law would be abroad, I would take care of her bath time, her loo time, wash her little butt, feed her, take her to school and back.. and play with her... 

In the evening when she missed her folks, I would take her outside and count the stars with her so that she fell asleep..  hahahah :) 

All the memories, make me smile with warmth... 

Then there was a time, when she had chicken pox and well she was to be isolated... 

her granny was there and refused to touch her... and I took her to my chest and coaxed her to sleep relieving her of her itches with the neem leaves... 

Me having to tell stories to her every night before she fell asleep..

So many memories... 

So well I realise that with children an unconditional form of love forms, be it your own child or someone else's. 

And as the child grows up it gets molded to how the parents think..  :) 

And thats how the adult butterfly lives... 

And well, today and every other day when i see her as an adult, an unconditional love again flows through my heart, wishing only the best for her.. 

And yes, sometimes, when they do write such superficial notes... trying to be what they are not... then it hurts... just for a millisecond... being here more than a month and not even trying to call or visit me.. a call would have been fine... or even a FB message.,.. (why do I think like that ? its stupid)  its not important for her... so thats that... let go... :) 

And I breathe focussing on the love... and my memories of her as an innocent child hanging on to my neck and playing with me with uninhibited laughter... and I sigh... letting all the stupid expectations go... I am grateful I could experience that feeling through her.. :) and I should end it at that... 

Its alright..  all relations, have a start and an end... you are the only continuous thread to yourself linking to the supreme conscious. :)  rest is all Maya... 

HAKUNA MATATA... :)